Hat tip to Joe Huffman for the Marklay Monday Madness Meme where he puts forth bigoted quotes from those who still believe the utter lie that a firearm is any sort of phallic replacement device. So here are some of the "witty retorts" that have run through my mind.... I hope you enjoy, or are at least a little scandalized...
My pistol doesn't double in length when I rub it...must be broken. Then again my pistol doesn't leave embarrassing stains on the sheets if I have a really good dream.
If a penis were really a weapon it would be illegal to have one in NY or DC. Rep Weiner made it abundantly clear that possession of a penis only gets you into trouble if you point it at the wrong people using mass media.
When was the last time anyone used a penis to stop a rape? Obviously we don't need gun control to stop rapes, we need penis control. Of course we all know that gun control isn't about crime, it is about making sure that no penis will ever have to be matched against a pistol in a contest of wills about who has control over a woman's body.
Logically wouldn't a dildo make more sense as a substitute penis than a pistol? Does NY or DC make residents jump through legal hurdles to lawfully posses sex toys (I mean other than Congressional Pages)? I'd love to see the headlines, "Would be robber beaten to death with Double Penetrator 2000 outside the Gas'n'Go."
If a pistol is a substitute penis is that why Glocks and AR-15's are black? Why does my wife have a pink pistol?
I guess if I could ejaculate on command at 900 feet per second I wouldn't need a pistol. Then again, if I could ejaculate on command at 900 feet per second I would be a superhero, I'd wear goggles and call myself "Bukake Man" and my motto would be "Justice is Cuming."
You know why a pistol is better than a penis? You can lend a pistol to your friends and no matter how many hands get wrapped around it your odds of catching an STD are infinitely small. You can carry two pistols without looking like a genetic freak. You can go from "sub-compact" to "magnum" by changing holsters.
Happiness is a warm gun. (or maybe Lennon really meant to say "A penis is a warm gun?")
A penis carries limited ammo in two testicles (and those testicles are never where I need them, my wife has them in her purse most of the time). A pistol can carry as many magazines or speed loaders as you can fit on your person.
I don't lose 3 million of my closest friends each time my pistol goes off...
There you have it folks, I hope that you'll properly oil your weapon, make sure that no short stroking happens next time you need to let loose a few rounds, and finally make sure that all excess fluids are cleaned out of the barrel in order to avoid any unpleasant pressure buildup.